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 1ОСТАВИТЬ СООБЩЕНИЕ НОВАЯ ТЕМА НОВОЕ ГОЛОСОВАНИЕ
СТИХОТВОРНОЕ ИСПОЛНЕНИЕ СЮЖЕТА ФФХСообщений: 13  *  Дата создания: 28 сентября 2009, 19:27  *  Автор: undead Auron
undead Auron
28 сентября 2009, 19:27
Свиноматерый
LV7
HP
MP
AP
Стаж: 11 лет
Постов: 2704
Итак, господа, сие творение ныне пытается добиться хоть чего-то на конкурсе по Диссидии Вконтакте. Но там мне никто так и не высказал своего мнения по этому поводу, а я засранец тщеславный, посему показываю вам.

The history of Spira.
By Zanar.
Chapter 1
"The beginning"
Before the now
There was the time
When Spira was at dawn
That time was one of mine.
The people lived without problem
Сause strange mashines besided them.
This machinas did all work for they
And they gived all the time to play.
But after that the war began
Between Bevelle and Zanarkand,
The war of machina which called
The war that changed the whole world.
Nothing to hide – Zanarkand lost
And that's the price the peace is cost.
This place is ruined, now it's just
The holy place of religious trust.
Yu-Yevon, ruler of that land,
Had given order to the spirits grand
To sleep and dream their homeland city
In which they lived and died for pity.
And he himself created Sin
A monster large, and hidden in
Became a fiend and as revenge
Destroyed all machinas in range.
But Sin was still, destroying living things
And Yunalesca, daughter of the king
Had sacrificed her love she was full with
In sake of good days, in the sake of peace
Her husdband has become the final aeon
And challenged Sin, his name was Zaon
It was a trap, Zaon himself became the Sin
Controlled, corrupted and within
Since then the pilgrimages began
When summoners has gone to Zanarkand
To Yunalesca and the final Aeon again.
And now the Yuna and her friends,
Which known as "guardians" as well
Are on the pilgrimage and had
Another plans about the land.

Chapter 2.
"Jecht, Auron and Braska"
Ten years before the Yuna's jorney
There was the Spira's great attorney.
His name was Braska, with the power of summon
He was about to bring the Spira common.
One of his guardians was Auron
Reliable friend and strong like tauron.
He wanted to become the warrior of Bevelle
Succeeded, the result was well.
But just before they got on their adventure
Lord Braska tried to have someone for this venture.
Some days before from Zanarkand of dream
Had swam a man on fastest water stream
And on his way he met the Sin
Who given him innormous spin.
He got to spira and his name
Was Jecht, the player of blitzball game
Bevelle's monk warriors has taken him to prison.
He was too strange for them, as reason.
And Braska, knowing about this,
Was going just to take him with.
Sir Auron disliked this new friend
His character was truly hard to bend,
But later they became the greatest team
And wanted to fulfil the Spira's dream.
On soutern little island of Besaid
He left a girl his daughter to be said
And said:"This is a good place to live!"
And Yuna to his friends he give.
His goal was just to get the Aeons all
From Valefor to the Bahamut tall
(Which he already got right in his home)
And then just right to the Zanarkand Dome.
And from Besaid they gone to Kilika island
To get the Ifrit, demon grand.
Through Luca, land of game Blitzball,
And Mi'ihen road to their goal.
Crossed Mushroom rock to Djose temple
To get the Aeon Ixion, unicorn gentle.
They went by nights and days to north
Had not much rest and moved forth.
They fought so many fiends, improving their skills
And grew so much the number of their kills.
In Macalania, the land of the guado tribe
With icy cliffs, which trully hard to climb
They found the Shiva, woman made of ice
And much appeared the monster's dice.
And finaly, through Calm land, the great battlefield
Where stands one of the greatest hunter's guild
They got to Gagazet, the home of Ronso
(How great! It's not for studio Gonzo!).
And right behind this hardest pass
There lies the city of the past.
And they made it, through snow and frost
Beside the wall that full of ghost
Completely cold and tired as well
They're out of that mountainous hell
A little rest, a little fire,
A little food and monsters dire
Surrounded them between the ruins
But they were fought much better than Shuin.
And on their way again on morning
That final dash was not so boring.
And then Zanarkand Dome…
The terrible illusions home
They saw there as the people sorrow
The ones who's dead they had to borrow
And got the monster – Spectral keeper
Those who are weak ultimate sweeper
And Yunaleska, dead for thousand years
Who saw the people greatest tears.
She told them:"To defeat the Sin
You must give me you hide within
Your soul. I'll make you strong creature
To over now this terrible venture"
And Jecht then said:"I WILL do it!
Make me the faith, that's my best deed".
That happened, and as result
(And Auron thought that it's his fault)
Jecht became Sin and Braska is dead
And Auron, angry for this end,
Has come to Yunalesca back
Wanted to give her a good smack.
But lost… And lost his eye
And even managed to dye
After he mountain passed again
He status of unsent has gained
And found by the Kimahri Ronso
(It's not for you, studio Gonzo!).
Unsent is people who were killed
And were not sent by summoners guild
Their souls don't go to the Farplane
And their exisistance is full of pain.
Sir Auron's one was so
But he has one more place to go
Before sir Jecht became the faith
He spoken right to Auron's face:
"I ask you – please, go find my son
My fathership wasn't well-done.
He is a cry-baby, he lives
In place that good sleepless nights gives.
It's Zanarkand, which I call mine
The place where people are so kind".
"But where I find it?" – Auron said".
But Jecht just said:"Don't get upset.
I always knew there must be way
So take this sphere and no more stay".
And Auron has remembered all these words
And in his hands again appeared Katana swords.

Chapter 3
To Zanarkand
The sphere has shown that secrets all
Hide spirits graved into the wall
And he again got to the mountain tall.
He with Kimahri has there gone
For Sir Jechts quest to be alredy done.
And so he stood in front of souls of men
Behind him was a very special glen
Sir Auron said:"I need your help!"
That was in dialoge first step.
But spirits those did not recall
The spirits graved into the wall.
But Auron had another try
Nothing to loose, he had alredy dyed.
He said:"I need to get to Zanarkand another
There lives a boy, my friend is his father
I've a task to take care of that kid
Because his father everything in life already did".
"Just touch them" – then he heard a voice
"Well, I don't think I have some choice.
Kimahri, please, my dear friend
I have to ask you something grand.
Go to Besaid and find there girl
Her name is Yuna, only in the world.
She have no parents now, she is
Too weak too bear this hardships with".
Kimahri then was banished from that place
And there's no smile appeared on his face
He just has gone with this the only task
So silent and he nothing had to ask.
And Auron, ready for new trip,
Has touched the wall with writing R.I.P.

He fell to sleep and after he awoke
He was about to get some stroke
Cause he was marrying, and that story
Was not so very full of glory.
That wedding was a truly fake
With bride's father having money some to take
So Auron screamed then:"What the hell?!
I wasn't about to low this fell!
I don't want to become the reach!"
But bride then said:"I'm not the bitch!
I'm not for you to throw away
After just hearing your OK!"
Then Auron answered:"But it's false!
In hands of father yours we're dolls!"
And then he heard:"It isn't only deal.
I love you, and that’s what I feel."
And our hero got confused
"Well then, I wasn't only used" –
He thought, then though again
"Now listen, you just nothing have to gain
With me. I'm not.
I don’t love you, I'm not so hot.
With me your life will be so happyless
And that what you had long to guess."
And then the marriege disappeared
And darkness him surrounding seered
Beside those faiths he himself find
They said:"You tell what you have in your mind.
Your task is over and right now
We'll answer then on your last "how?"
We would have teleport you there
But we cannot have such a care.
You go now to the Moonflow coast
Throgh Macalania great frost
There you will meet then one of us
And know then what the deed is last."
So he decided:"Here we go!
There's only one of things is though:
"The way goes far and I'm so tired
Can't I just have some transport hired?"
And help then came right from the sky
Machine appeared that can go fly.
"Excuse me sir, get on the board
Before I'm using on my sword" –
The voice of some Al Bhed it was
And our sir on board then goes
"Hey you, in red coat, do you know
How we can get to lake on snow?"
"Of course I know, but what's your name?"
"My name? It sounds to Pit the same.
I'm Cid, and you?"."My name is known
The hero of Bevelle it own
I'm Auron. You appeared in time
Like if you was my thoughts a mime.
I need to get to the Moonflow
From place you need it isn't far".
"Well then, why not? Go on now, Brother!
His driving skills is good a rather" –
He said to Auron now, and Ship
Continued one of it's first trips.
"So, where we go?"."To south, of course.
It would be one of rightest course.
And now I need the overview
To show places for me and you".
"So, you must go now to the top
By elevator, do not stop."
So did he. After he was out
He heard a scream that was too lound.
A fiend appeared near their Ship
Looked like a dragon, with the horns of sheep.
It was innormous, it's attack
Appeared to be a special smack.
But Auron, being a hero true
Stroke on his palm by sword a cruel
But effective strike
But for this fiend it was a spike.
He just had screamed and had another try
It seemed he hadn't chance to cry.
But Auron then did an innormous jump
And landed on the back of monster, but without a camp
Or rest
He was about to test
How strong is skin of monter that.
It wasn't harder than a bat's.
And Auron with Katana sword
and "Go to hell!" with such a word
Had stroke, and then again
That monster hadn't much to gain.
"Good job. Now look just: are we near?"
"But Auron answered:"I can't hear!"
Then Cid appeared right near him
And said:"We'd make a special team".
The answer was:"Oh, no, I can't.
I haven't got much time to spend.
I need to Moonflow, to the child
Who need someone to be with mild."
"I understand, appreciate it
My daughter longly for me waited
After my firstest trip. Good luck."
"I see that place"."Then don't get stuck.
We're landing!" Having some instructions
And using some of Ship good functios
They brought sir Auron on the land
With all his things in healthy hand.
So there he stood, in front of beauty
Remembering his great one duty.
He waited there, but not so long
Near him appeared the flame's big tounge.
And in that tounge stood girl as well
Which used as Faith of the Bevelle.
She said:"You don't get so surprised
Because you haven't realized
The way we'll get you to that place".
And fear appeared on Auron's face.
"Don't worry. Stand just like you are.
Remember: road that goes far.
It'll take you over two-three days
You go to west right from this place".
"But how?"."You'll see". She raised her hand
And Snuffles from the flowers of this land
Got into Auron. And his body
Had changed colour into bloody.
On hands were claws, wings of reptile.
(There're lots of guys with such a style)
One eye shoot lazer."Here you go
To city of the greatest glow".

Русская версия.
Глава 1
Начало
Тысячелетие назад и на заре нашего мира
Когда гармония была и не было проблем
И все играли в мяч, прекрасна была лира
И хорошо ведь в целом было всем.
Машины устраняли все проблемы,
Работали по дому за людей.
Легки и беззаботны были обсужденья темы
И все играли, не считая дней, ночей.
И все считали, что их счачтье будет вечно
И что прекрасная судьба для них для всех дана,
Но транспорт жизни их помчался вдруг по встречной
И началась тогда война.
Тогда сразились две могучие державы
Бои велись лишь с помощью машин.
Сдаваться не хотели их обоих главы
Никто не захотел сойти с вершин.
И наконец одной-единственною битвой,
В которой победил могучий град Бевелл,
Был финиш дан войне, и как большою бритвой
Был искалечен Занарканд, оставшись не у дел.
Правителем там был тогда Ю-Евон,
Уж очень странный, необычный человек.
И дочь была его прекраснейшая дева,
Которая сейчас живёт десятый век.
Ю-Евон создал для себя броню большую
Что Сином нарекли и спрятался внутри
И все его считали силою дурною
А сам он в монстра превратился от тоски.
Разрушив все машины, что имелись в мире,
Убив и покалечив множество людей
Он Юналеску вдохновил покой создать вновь в Спире
Оставить дом тоски без окон, без дверей.
И Юналеска в жертву принесла любимейшего мужа
В чудовище большое Его превратив
Угасла чтоб слегка в сердцах людей большая стужа
И жизни их тем самым изменив.
И Заон тот тогда сразился с Сином
Формально одержав победу там.
Но ведь удар назад был нанесён, зачином
То послужило для людей и их большим делам.
Лорд Заон сам был превращен в урода
Кошмар людей, другой для Сина вариант
Паломничества там длиной не меньше полугода
Призватели вершить решили не жалея провиант.
И тыщу лет подряд один и тот же цикл вершился
Когда один тиран сменялся вдруг другим.
И наконец спаситель на земле родился
Который мир готов был изменить с возоюбленным своим.

Исправлено: undead Auron, 30 сентября 2009, 21:21
dreamkiller
28 сентября 2009, 19:31
lolilover
LV8
HP
MP
Стаж: 11 лет
Постов: 4917
:shoked:
Только вот я засранец ленивый, посему буду ждать стихотворной русской версии xD
Ivit
28 сентября 2009, 19:38
LV3
HP
MP
Стаж: 1 год
Постов: 150
Ну и зачем на английском?
Я уж обрадовался, думал чо-то типа конкурса, где один начинает в стихах, другой продолжает, третий ещё дальше.
Я с английским не дружу, но строчки разной длины, а это плохо. Значит одна строчка, по количеству слогов длинее другой. А должно быть одинаково.
Dag
28 сентября 2009, 19:55
Abyss Walker
LV7
HP
MP
AP
Стаж: 14 лет
Постов: 1876
Atom RPG: Trudograd
Зело много буковиц в сией летописи,посему тяжек труд разбирати... Но первые две главы я осилил. Ну что сказать, почётно слагать стихи на другом языке, но попытки попасть в ритм я забросил на половине первой главы.

Исправлено: Dag, 28 сентября 2009, 20:18
Feel the power of backstab<br> <br><br>                                                                               .
Fahrengeit
28 сентября 2009, 20:33
МОДЕРАТОР
LV9
AP
Стаж: 13 лет
Постов: 10212
Fahrengeit23
Fahrengeit
Genshin Impact
Stories of Your Life and Others
но строчки разной длины, а это плохо. Значит одна строчка, по количеству слогов длинее другой. А должно быть одинаково.

Не...тут ты не прав. Это не значит чо не в рифму...но тут стихотворение заключается в том, что рифмуются слова. А ритма, как сказал Даг, и правда нет. Так что читать я дальше и не стал))) это надо попадать в ритм и еще переводить....лень-матушка
Ivit
29 сентября 2009, 03:39
LV3
HP
MP
Стаж: 1 год
Постов: 150
 Fahrengeit @ 29 сентября 2009, 00:33 
Не...тут ты не прав. Это не значит чо не в рифму...

Я про рифму и не говорил. Я ритм и имел в виду. Разная длина строчек и означает что ритма нет.
SIRIYS
29 сентября 2009, 13:59
LV3
HP
MP
Стаж: 8 лет
Постов: 273
jacky_raiden
FF X, AC Revelations
Неплохо, жаль что на английском. Никогда не умел переводить английские стихи. Вроде и предложения складываются, но суть быстро теряю.
undead Auron
30 сентября 2009, 20:52
Свиноматерый
LV7
HP
MP
AP
Стаж: 11 лет
Постов: 2704
 Ivit @ 28 сентября 2009, 19:38 
но строчки разной длины, а это плохо. Значит одна строчка, по количеству слогов длинее другой. А должно быть одинаково.

Совершенно не обязательно. Поди, сложи стихотворение, в котором все строчки одной длины, тем более с заранее заданым сюжетом. Во первых, хребет поломаешь, во вторых, как правило получается чертовски монотонно.

Попытался перевести первую главу. Выкладываю в первый пост.
Fahrengeit
30 сентября 2009, 21:13
МОДЕРАТОР
LV9
AP
Стаж: 13 лет
Постов: 10212
Fahrengeit23
Fahrengeit
Genshin Impact
Stories of Your Life and Others
ну все равно не в ритм...то есть где то прибавить слогов гдето убавить и будет классно))
Хэил
30 сентября 2009, 22:49
LV3
HP
MP
Стаж: 3 года
Постов: 289
НК
Обе версии хорошие, и на русском и на английском.
Сама идея со стихами интересная, но вот с ритмом и слогом, хотя до меня уже все сказали.
Жду русского продолжения.
PartyKing183
30 сентября 2009, 23:59
LV3
HP
MP
Стаж: 3 года
Постов: 290
Хорошее стихотворение. Английский вариант понравился больше, он как-то складнее и проще для понимания (в русском уж слишком много лишних на мой взгляд оборотов и словесных выкрутасов, единственной целью которых служит исправление кривого слога и создание рифм). Не поймите меня неправильно, сам то я стихи писать абсолютно не умею, так что я такой уровень все равно считаю недосягаемой вершиной.

Единственное, ошибок много в английском варианте. То артикль пропущен, то слово взято не в том значении, то глагол не тот употреблен. Неплохо бы отдать на редактирование кому-нибудь свободно владеющему английским и твердо знающему грамматику.

Но все эти минусы так, мелочи. Само стихотворение вызывает в целом сугубо положительные эмоции.
undead Auron
01 октября 2009, 09:09
Свиноматерый
LV7
HP
MP
AP
Стаж: 11 лет
Постов: 2704
 PartyKing183 @ 30 сентября 2009, 23:59 
Единственное, ошибок много в английском варианте. То артикль пропущен, то слово взято не в том значении, то глагол не тот употреблен. Неплохо бы отдать на редактирование кому-нибудь свободно владеющему английским и твердо знающему грамматику.

Было дело, давали. Сделали всё, что могли, как могли исправили. В основном оставшиеся ошибки, как мне сказали, не такие уж страшные.
FFF Форум » ТВОРЧЕСТВО » Стихотворное исполнение сюжета ФФХ (Как говорится, нестерпел.)Сообщений: 13  *  Дата создания: 28 сентября 2009, 19:27  *  Автор: undead Auron
1ОСТАВИТЬ СООБЩЕНИЕ НОВАЯ ТЕМА НОВОЕ ГОЛОСОВАНИЕ
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